Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse. It has the intention of creating self-doubt, confusion, and, manipulation by the abuser to the victim. Often times, you will see this behaviour from cult leaders, narcissistic and borderline personality, and sociopaths. It is a power grab by the abuser to distort the victims reality so that the victim questions him or herself regarding the event.
In this blog, I will give you an example, from a client that I have counselled personally, and I will change the names for their protection.
“ I want you to question your sanity, so I will distort your memory”
A client of mine, Elena, 63 years old, caucasian female, visited her daughter, Jennifer, 35 years old, at Jennifer’s church one Sunday. Now, Jennifer, had been resistance of her mother visiting her church. When Elena appeared at the door of the church, Jennifer said to her mother, “mom, please, don’t say anything negative about these people”. Elena could hear a loud sound coming from the next room, it sounded like a lot of people yelling in tongues. Elena was frightened by the sounds. A lady came up to Elena and asked her if she was on the list to visit. Jennifer reassured the lady that Elena was with Jennifer. This was a small evangelical christian church, with about 40 members. Elena did not feel very wanted. Many were speaking in tongues, lays hands on each other, and, one lady demanded that Elena pray for her to get a new house and new car. Elena felt sorry for the woman, until she found out that she already had a house and a car, and, the pastor had told the lady that she could just ask for anything and pray for it and God would give it to her.
Elena was shocked to think that people looked at God like a vending machine. Elena had always gone to church, but, this form of christianity really scared her. It felt like a cult. They kept mentioning “the church family”. But she wanted to support Jennifer’s path. Elena was sitting next to another pastor from the church and his family. They proceeded to ask Elena alot of questions. Elena had mentioned that she was disturbed about the woman praying for a mansion and a new expensive car. The pastor pulled out his bible and showed her the verse that said, "Ask and you shall receive". Elena felt the visit was good, and, she went home.
About 2 weeks after the event, Elena received a call from Jennifer stating she had heard from the pastor’s family (the one Elena was sitting next to) that Elena had insulted the pastor by calling him a “ Heretic, he was committing Blasphemes, and a False Prophet”. Elena asked me “what is a Heretic?” She did not even know what that word meant, let alone call someone such a name. She had never said such a thing but Jennifer told her she was lying and insisted she had said it. ( this is an example of gaslighting, distorting a memory by making up a story )
Now, let's break this down. Elena had no knowledge of any discourse during the service. No such discussions, in fact, she left the service believing she was liked and accepted by the group.
Did the pastor make this up to create a gaslighting event? Did the church (cult behaviour) tell Jennifer this to control Jennifer and triangulate her away from her family? ( this is an example of gaslighting from a cult leader, manipulation and control)
Who is gaslighting? The church or Jennifer?
Regardless, Jennifer delivered the transaction to Elena. Jennifer also delivered a message and told her mother, that the church is her family, now, and Elena was no longer her family. (Jennifer is gaslighting, creating confusion and abuse).
Jennifer blocked her mother after that phone conversation. ( another example of gaslighting, blocking of phones is intended to make the other person feel like there is something wrong with them, what did I do? I am not worthy of their friendship and love? Gaslighting makes the victim question themselves, which is the intention of the gaslighter) In previously conversations, Jennifer had asked her mother for forgiveness from her behaviour of blocking her on her phone a year ago. ( Now, once again, Jennifer is blocking her, creating confusion, control, and manipulation). This is a severe form of gaslighting and very harmful.
How did Elena feel?
She was devastated. She started recounting every word she might have said in the church to the members, she began to doubt herself, and, she felt like she was being called a liar. She felt controlled and manipulated. This affected her self-esteem. And to top it off, Jennifer was now giving her the silent treatment. (silent treatment is another form of gaslighting)
Is Jennifer a master abuser? Did she make up the story? Did the pastor really tell her this? She is abusing Elena, by making up a story she knows is false, just to manipulate and control Elena. OR? If the pastor really told Jennifer this, then, Jennifer should have believed her mother and supported her. And, better yet, defend her mother to the pastor's gossip and twisted words. Who made up the story? The pastor or Jennifer? It would be abusive and cruel if the pastor told Jennifer this and Jennifer told this to her mother.
Jennifer is abusing Elena by blocking her and giving her the silent treatment. The day she visited the church, Jennifer hugged her mother, Elena, and said, "I love you, Mom, thanks for coming", then 2 weeks later, she is scolding her mother and blocking her on the phone. (this is gaslighting, making the person feel like they are in trouble, there is something wrong with you, and, giving mixed messages)
Elena and I worked for weeks with her feeling and self-esteem. Elena would spend hours in therapy recounting the many other times in Jennifer lifetime that Jennifer would gaslight Elena. And each time she did, it picked away at Elena’s confidence and self esteem.
Elena admitted that she even tried going to similar churches as Jennifer just to win over her approval. She began to lose herself not remembering what interests she really had. She had been so busy trying to please Jennifer that she lost herself in the process.
Well, today, Elena is a happy woman. She has not heard from her daughter and protects herself from hearing from her, in fear, of more abuse. She has revisited her own interests. She is no longer living to please her daughter in hopes that her daughter will love her as she loved her daughter. She has told me on several accounts, ' I no longer want to be around anyone, who does not respect, appreciate, and love me."
Elena knows the truth, and, knows who is lying. Today, Elena will not allow anyone in her life who gaslights. She knows the signs and protects herself.
In conclusion, if you are being gaslighted by someone in your life, seek out professional counseling. Don’t let the abuse go on so long that you lose your sense of who you are. It can happen, especially, with someone you once loved.
You must realise, people change. Protect yourself and your self-esteem. These people are only after one thing, to see you suffer under their control.
I have provided for you some tools to identify the signs of gaslighting.
Tager-Shafrir and colleagues identified six features of gaslighting behaviour:
Denial of their prior behaviour's or statements
Creating self-doubt by questioning the partner's memory or understanding of events
Creating self-doubt by blaming the partner
Causing the partner to doubt their abilities
Making the partner feel that their thoughts and feelings are illegitimate.
This is the full gaslighting scale, from Tager-Shafrir et al. (2024):
Instructions: Please rate how often the following statements are true regarding your relationship with your partner: (Scale: 1 = never, 2 = rarely, 3 = sometimes, 4 = often, 5 = always).
My partner makes me doubt things I said.
My partner makes me think that everything I do is wrong.
My partner often denies saying things that I remember him/her saying.
My partner makes me think that I don’t understand situations in our relationship.
My partner makes me question my memory about things that happened between us.
My partner makes me feel like I’m in the wrong.
My partner makes me feel like I’m impossible to get along with.
My partner makes me think that I don’t understand him/her.
My partner makes me think that I’m distorting things.
My partner makes me think that I’m blowing things out of proportion.
My partner often accuses me of all kinds of things.
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