Covid is a Messenger: The Truth of Impermanence
Updated: Dec 16, 2020
Well, it is now the end of the FIRST year of COVID. We have been thorough a lot this year.
I had to stop seeing clients in my office around April. It was a directive from the State of California. They said, we had to keep our clients safe. DO TELEMEDICINE. It was a directive. For the last eight months, I have paid my rent religiously for my office, not using it once. I have waited, until it is safe to use again.
I have heard months of sadness, anxiety and depression from my clients. Everyone is feeling lost. All of the clients are going thorough the grief process.
Then, many of the clients, started to get sick with the COVID. Many of my family was getting sick. Fear set in. Repression of feelings seemed to be the defence to this attack.
Then, yesterday, it was as if someone turned the faucet on. I began to cry. I cried all night, and, when I awoke, I was crying. I had to call AT&T. The nice lady said; “How is your day?” I could not answer her, the tears were flowing from my eyes, I was crying hysterically.
Two days of crying, what is this about?
I have not shed a tear in years, yet, today, for some reason, I cannot stop the crying, the sadness, the loss….
People say the golden goose is here. The vaccine will save us. Will it? What if it does not work? They have already pulled it, in Australia because of bad side effects.
They say, the about virus, it is mutating into another form. WHAT? This madness has to stop.
Ok, get control, Debbie. I ask my clients, will you come to my office when this is over. NO NO, they say, they like the convenience of telemedicine. So, why keep the office? Must I give up my office now? Ouch, that hurts.
The insurance companies do not answer their phones. I have not been paid on 5 of their clients. No one is at work? Yes, I, finally, get someone. But I cannot hear her, she barely speaks English, and the connection is bad. I give up. I can’t take that insurance.
Then, I get a bill from another insurance company, they want their payment back because they have decided that they will not cover therapy for this one client. What? I am suppose to pay them back and collect from my client. But I know this client has just lost her job. She does not have the money. Now, I am losing my job, when the insurance will not pay.
Clients find it easy, when they are doing telemedicine, to not show up to their set appointment, they forgot?? I am sitting in front of my computer staring at my log in.
How can I stay in business when the system is crumbling under my feet.
I have worked so hard to be a therapist. Having two masters degrees, and taking the many certifications, workshops, and seminars. I am worth the appointment. I have skills. I have really tried to be a good therapist by keeping myself updated.
I guess, the tears are for the losses of this year. The loss of my freedom to be able to be in a room with my client, and do therapy. The loss of my office, the loss of my daughter, the loss of my best friend’s dogs, the loss of being able to go to lunch or dinner, or to the show, meeting, or to a concert, and, especially, to worship in a church. So much loss. My favourite restaurant closing, my doctor refusing to see patients, me not being able to attend conferences in person, not being able to sit with my family at thanksgiving or go see my mother in assisted living. I miss all of you, and, all of it.
That is why I am crying.